I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
