you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
