I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
