wanna go halves on a baby?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
