My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
