the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
