Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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