Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
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I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
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Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?