I only kidnapped one of them. chill
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.