If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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