I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
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My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
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Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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