i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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