she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
