you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
