I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
