i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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