Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
