Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize