Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
