And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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