Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my shit smells like andre
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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