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It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
