Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
