it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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