I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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