just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
