apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
