I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
