you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
