why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
sarcasm needs its own font
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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