So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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