So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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