I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
