The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
