I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
