I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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