i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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