My sheets look like a crime scene.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sext me about skeletons
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
