mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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