come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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