Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
