why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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