he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
