I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
