i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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