I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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