I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
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He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize