That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
