After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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