$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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