he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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