Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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