I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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