after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
