you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
