hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
