I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
