glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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