My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
