i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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