Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
