the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
