Just cropdusted the office
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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