I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
